What Has Been Seen
by Mirum Kai
Summary: So you thought the Varia were just odd or unorthodox, huh? Well, it turns out that they take weird to a whole new level. Fran, he has to learn this the hard way. Borderline crack. One-shot. Enjoy!


'**Ello! So I'm kinda putting this up as an apology for not updating MOM (hehehe) for so long. But you know, this story actually ended up working two ways. You get an extra story, and I got over my temporary writer's block and am almost done with the next chapiliscousness. (Ch-ap-uh-lish-us-ness) It's my word now! :D**

**Disclaimer: Eyyy. I don't own the characters. But I own my twisted imagination.**

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**What Has Been Seen…**

"These graphics suck."

"Sempai, you're supposed to focus on the humor aspect."

"Family Guy has better graphics and it's funnier."

"So why don't you watch Family Guy."

"I can't find the remote."

"Then it's settled."

Belphegor huffed and crossed his arms in a fit. There was absolutely nothing to do, so he was stuck watching South Park with the smart-mouthed frog. It practically spelled, boring. He intently watched as a fly hovered over Fran's hat. It landed every so often, and then buzzed back into the air. In a trance-like state, he reached for one of his knives.

Winding an arm back he focused on the pest as it explored its new territory. "Ushishi~, Prepare to die." He flung the knife towards the unsuspecting fly just as it decided that the frog hat is a barren wasteland and zips off to a more interesting home. This, of course, leaves Bel's knife to impale itself in the hat.

"Do you need something?" Fran turned a cold yet blank glare in his direction.

"Ushishi~, nope." He grinned.

Fran turned back to the television in an attempt to catch the next punch line. Bel on the other hand continues to stare at his annoyed kouhai. Working up an antagonizing smile, he throws another knife a few inches from the first. Thoroughly irritated, Fran gets up and turns the TV off.

Turning back to the manic blonde he asks, "Sempai, would it kill you to do something productive?"

Bel crosses his arms behind his head. "Meh, probably."

"Good, maybe you should do some work."

He abruptly sits up. "Wait, shut up. I hear something." Fran completely ignores his request as he paces the room in deep thought.

"Or since you're so old it'll come naturally."

"Oi! Put a sock in it, frog."

He stops in front of the coffee table with hand in chin. "Or…the long-haired captain will kill you for putting curl activator in his shampoo."

"Will you shut your – wait, I didn't put curl activator in his shampoo."

"Yeah, I did that. But odds are he'll blame you."

The storm guardian growled at the teen.

"Do you hear something?"

Bel resisted the urge to facepalm; it was peasant conduct.

"Tch. Just come on."

They followed the sound all the way to the indoor training compound. The doors to the entrance were closed as it should be**. (A/N: I mean, take a look at their weapons. A sword laced with mini-bombs, X-Guns/Flame of Wrath, an iron knee, lightning parabolas, wired knives, and dangerous illusions; that door better be closed! Sorry, continue.) **The noises that permeated through the cracks bore a pop melody. There were also some grunts and straining noises every few seconds.

The two bystanders looked at each other in immediate understanding. Honestly, the only one in the squad that would partake in an activity involving those sounds? Lussuria.

Fran put his hand on the door handle, but it was quickly slapped away by his partner.

"What are you – "

"Shh!"

Rolling his eyes, the youngest team member turned to Bel. Using vague hand gestures and optical expressions he asked what could be translated to: _What's the problem?_

Bel, using the same method of speech, replied: _Don't go inside._

Exasperated, Fran asks: _Whyyyy?_

_What if he's…doing it?_ He accentuates this with a few hardy pelvic thrusts.

To answer his question, Fran puts a hand to his ear: _There's music playing._

Standing stock-still Bel gives _that _look. The look that can only be translated to: _It's _Lussuria_._

Well, that couldn't be argued against.

The pair is now forced to address the hanging question. _Is it worth it?_ The chances of catching Lussuria in the act where high, and who in their right mind would want to see that. But then, there's curiosity. They were fully aware that an unanswered question could eat them from the inside out. Yet again, it could be Lussuria and some other unfortunate soul getting it on in the training room. Well, you know what they say. Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back. Having that thought on mind they took a deep breath and cracked one door open.

"Ohhh yes~, that's good hun! Just like that."

Fran stepped back and looked at Bel. Putting up a peace sign, he turned to leave. Ignoring him, Belphegor peered back into the crack. His line of vision was restricted to the left wall, but there he caught sight of a game changing article.

Snatching the collar of his leaving comrade, he shoves his face back into the crack **(A/N: That's a questionable quote)**. He giddily tells him, "Ushishi~, look."

What Fran sees almost breaks his apathetic mask. Lying against the wall, are none other than Levi's parabolas. "Aw, that's just nasty."

He glances over to Bel who is in hysteric giggles. "Bel-sempai you're a pervert for thinking that's funny, you know?"

"Shh!" He points to his iphone, where it is set to record. Fran mouths the words: _pervert-sempai. _Cheshire grin in place, Bel puts up three fingers as he counts down to the 'big reveal'.

III

II

I

Boom! They burst through the heavy metal doors into the training facility to find…what!? Fran and Bel were dumbfounded at the scene. There, in the middle of the training room, was a 16x16 foot pink yoga mat. On each respective side they found Luss and Levi in neon pink tights. But oh no, these weren't just regular spandex tights, they were booty shorts, daisy dukes, glute squeezers; whatever you want to call them! So to say the least, the apparel didn't leave much to the imagination, if you know what I mean.

Lussuria and Levi both lie on their backs, legs poised over their torso. They were also able to grab each of their ankles and spread them rather…revealingly. And the worst part, they were facing the door.

"AHHH!"

"Oh my~!"

"It's not what it looks like!"

"Ushishi~, Froggy did you just…"

Bel looked down over at the puff of smoke where his kouhai previously stood. Looking back to the rather disturbing spectacle, he realizes that, to his dismay, they have continued with their routine. This particular position is similar to a backbend, but while on the tippy toes and leaving their shoulders on the ground. Oh, and of course their pelvis just _had _to be thrust into the air.

Now this was enough, Bel stalked over to the radio and clicked it off just before the next grating song mutilated his eardrums. Pausing the recording on his iphone and settling it back in his pocket. He turns around arms crossed. "Now, tell the prince why you felt the need to defile his brain with *insert awkward hand gestures*…that."

"Oh honey, we're doing pilates!"

"Pi – wuh?"

"Pilates! It's exercise Bel-chan~!"

"Gross."

Levi finally speaks up. "It gets the ladies." He pats his nearly nonexistent abs.

Bel sneers at him in disgust. Seeing this Lussuria tries to get him on a strange apparatus in the corner of the room. "This, is what you would do pilates on."

"Che." In his eyes, it looked like a medieval torture device.

"Here, lay down." He pats the cushion, signaling Bel to lie on it. Reluctantly, he does.

"Let's start with a few stretches."

**O**

"This better not be a waste of my time, frog trash."

"Trust me Boss, they're contaminating the training room. The mental images are repulsive enough to use on my next mission."

"Shut up."

"Okay."

"And let go of my hand, I can walk by myself, scum."

Fran releases his boss' wrist and continues his journey back to the training room. As they walk down the stairs, he entertains a couple scenarios for when they arrive. (1)Xanxus would make Levi and Lussuria into walking Swiss cheese on sight. (2) He could deem the scene a waste of his time and throw Fran from a balcony. (3) Or, in worst case scenario, he wouldn't do anything and return to his tequila; in turn leaving Fran subject to that horrid monstrosity of a workout on a regular basis. Well, in any case, it's a feat in and of itself to get his boss to see it anyways. He may even use Bel's recording to show Squalo when he gets back from his mission. Yes. Why not royally screw every resident.

However, as they near the corridor leading to the training room, Fran realizes, a little too late. That he's royally screwing himself also, as he is subjecting himself to the scene once again. Funny how life has a personal vendetta against him. Nonchalantly, he slows down just enough to partially hide behind Xanxus' frame.

"Okay, right here – "

"I know that, scum." Xanxus irritably shoves Fran further away from him.

Staring down his boss, Fran momentarily wonders what his worst fears are, and if he can make them come alive in his sleep. But then he remembers the sad truth that Xanxus is kinda impervious to illusions and that it would be a waste of energy. Ignoring the ever-present attitude that comes with taking his boss away from his infinite supply of alcohol, Fran realizes that the self-proclaimed prince is still in the training room. Good, that makes three walking Swiss cheeses; even if one of them will probably throw knives at him for his own lack of luck.

Xanxus reached down for the door handle…and hesitated. He was just a tiny bit nervous as to what his most eccentric guardian was up to. Fran wasn't very descriptive. He just said that it was disgusting and mentally scarring. Not that he hadn't scarred the minds of his own fair share of victims. That's what the stupid brats get for walking in on karaoke night. Strip karaoke that is. Don't know it? Learn it. Then imagine Xanxus doing it. Yeah, therapy isn't too far along now is it?

Out of his peripheral vision, he notices that the newbie is staring at him. _Oh crap. _"Ahem." Puffing out his chest like the boss he is. Xanxus takes both handles into his hand and –against his better intuition– pushes the doors open.

There in the middle of the room, Levi and Lussuria assisted in putting Belphegor into pretzel position. And he was wearing matching pink daisy duke tights. Fran clutched his heart as he felt his knees go weak. "Halp."

Xanxus stared at Bel who stared at Lussuria who stared at Levi who was frantically trying to throw some jeans on. "My apologies Xanxus-sama!"

Xanxus steered his face to the ground in what appeared to be building rage. "Trash…"

Cue simultaneous gulps.

"You're doing pilates in my training room…"

Fran, in a moment of expression, gave Xanxus a 'WTF' face. _I didn't tell him that this was called pilates…how did he know…?_

"Without me!?"

"Dafuq?"

Fran blanched as Xanxus. _The_ Xanxus. Boss of the most feared assassination squad in the world. Ripped his clothes off, only to reveal golden booty short tights that had 'Boss' scribbled across the back in bold black letters. Then. He ran like Shirley Temple over to the supposed-to-be-Swiss-cheese group, and showed them how to do a proper pretzel.

Closing his eyes, Fran thought_. Wao. If I find out that Squalo does pilates too, I just might have to ask Master if he knows how to erase memories._ He glances up once more. They're running around in a circle to a dubstep version of Lady Gaga's applause. _Or maybe I'll just move out._

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**What kind of mess…?**


End file.
